This post was contributed by a community member. The views expressed here are the author's own.

Health & Fitness

The Condo Chronicles: Doggie Doo and DNA

Twisted and true stories from the world of Atlanta condo dwellers.

Some stories are stranger than fiction.   This is one of them.

The condominium owner was irrate.   Her tenant couldn't live in the unit because someone was sweeping doggie poo from a unit on an upper floor onto his balcony.  She described the appearance and age of the specimen with great detail, as if it were an ancient artifact that deserved rapt attention.   I sat there with the phone cradled to my ear, jotting notes about this canine caper that occurred in a well known Atlanta highrise.   

"How could anyone do such a thing?" she blurted.

Find out what's happening in Midtownwith free, real-time updates from Patch.

I stopped writing and thought aloud for a second.  Good question. Exactly how could someone stand atop of a 40 story high rise building with broom in hand, carelessly sweeping dog stuff down to the unsuspecting public below?    For that matter, how could someone leave their dog on a balcony for days with only a bowl of water and small plate of food?   There were so many questions right at that moment I lost track of the conversation.

I paused for a moment before she jumped in again.  "You're going to go and pick up that  c--p and send it off to be DNA tested.   Then you're going to tell me whose dog that c--p belongs to.  I want to know immediately or I'm prepared to call my attorney."  

Find out what's happening in Midtownwith free, real-time updates from Patch.

She slammed the phone down and click, it went dead.  

I just sat there looking at the receiver, trying to take it all in.  Did I hear right?  Did she expect me to go and pick up dog excrement and have it inspected by someone?   And who would that be for example?  CSI?   Or was there a DSI - dog scene investigators?  What exactly does one do when one must deal with do-do?     

Just then, an unfamiliar face appeared at the entrance of the management office.  He scowled at me as he pushed open the door.   Before I could rise out of my chair, he screamed, "there's dog s--t on my balcony!!   If you don't come to my unit right this minute I'm calling 911!".  

His glare shot across the room.   I stared back and bit my lower lip.  I briefly considered what the police report would say about the perp if Atlanta's finest responded to the crime scene.    Would there be yellow tape and a chalk outline?     

At that moment I swirled my head around looking for a hidden camera that might be lurking somewhere in the office.    Surely, this was some dumb episode of Punked or maybe someone was playing a stupid joke on me.  Or, perhaps, the RHOA needed some new material.  

"Well?" he screamed.  "I'm waiting! My landlord will call her attorney if the dog poo isn't picked up.  And I'm sick from the smell!   Follow me!"   With that, he did an about face and motioned for me to join him. 

At this point I stood up and straightened my shoulders.   "Let's do this," I said in a hoarse whisper.   Dog poo or not, I was ready to don my trench coat and begin the investigation.   I went out into the night. 

 

To Be Continued........

We’ve removed the ability to reply as we work to make improvements. Learn more here

The views expressed in this post are the author's own. Want to post on Patch?

More from Midtown